The Night Chasers

Here Comes the Sun

2009-10-31T11:59:00.000-07:00

They were back at the Pancake Palace.

The day had come and gone. Mira Sorvino, Larry, and the rest of the parking lot had been cleaned up by Charlie's agents.

Gordo was in jail, but Tim the Fake Prophet was still on the loose.

Now they were wrapped up in darkness again, as if in a warm blanket.

The Night Chasers were celebrating a victory--just like old times.

JONO: Alma! We heard you quit.
ALMA: I retired, but then I got bored.
SARA: How come we never recruited her?
CHARLIE: We couldn't afford her.

Janie couldn't believe that she had been chosen to be the next Prophet. It was a huge honor.

CHARLIE: As far as we can tell, Janie, you're the first female Prophet in history.
SARA: Considering how lousy her left hook is--
CHARLIE: Sara--
JANIE: It's all right. Let her talk. She's just jealous.
JONO: So Janie, are you going to stay on the team?
CHARLIE: She can't stay on the team. She's the Prophet.
SARA: Besides, there is no more team. We were trying to find out who killed Nat. We found out. We got revenge. Now we can all go back to our lives.
JANIE: Oh, I don't know about that.

The assassins were surrounding the Pancake Palace. Janie had managed to acquire a few by putting an ad on Match.com.

She was going to be a different kind of Prophet.

JANIE: I think we still have some unfinished business.

She was going to succeed where others had failed.

JANIE: Anyone want my bacon?

She was going to kill the Night Chasers.

We Want Your Oscar, Bitch

2009-10-30T14:13:00.000-07:00

It was down to Mira Sorvino and the remaining Night Chasers.

They were standing in the parking lot surrounded by dead ninjas and homeless people.

Gordo had a gun on Charlie, Agent Filson (who had a fresh bullet wound to the arm, thanks to Gordo), Sara, Jono, and Janie, who was lying in Sara's arm half-conscious.

MIRA: It looks like I won. The Prophet is dead.
CHARLIE: Yet we're still here.
SARA: That's because until the sun comes up, we still have time to find the new prophet.
MIRA: Sun's up in a few minutes. I don't think you're going to make it.
JONO: There's a new prophet?
CHARLIE: There's always a new prophet. One dies, another takes over.
MIRA: I was going to wait and just let the Apocalypse destroy you, but then I thought--Where's the fun in that?

They heard Gordo giggling behind them. Then Sara whispered something in Janie's ear.

MIRA: Famous last words?
SARA: That depends.
MIRA: On what?
SARA: On if--'We want your Oscar, bitch' could be considered last words.

Before Mira could figure out what they were talking about, Janie pulled a gun from underneath her shirt, and shot Mira Sorvino.

Gordo screamed, but Jono and Charlie tackled him before he could shoot.

SARA: Guys! The sun is coming up.
JANIE: It's okay, Sara.
SARA: Janie, it's really not okay. This is the end of the world.

There was the sound of birds chirping.

JANIE: No, it really is okay. Larry told me.
SARA: Told you what?

Janie smiled.

JANIE: He told me I was the Prophet.

Everything But the Kitchen Sink

2009-10-30T01:11:00.000-07:00

Charlie found Larry amidst the sinks.

He had Agent Filson sitting in the Cooper Deluxe Model with a gun pointed at him.

CHARLIE: Larry!

Charlie kept his hands up, so as not to get shot. He and Larry had been close once, but that wasn't going to help his chances.

LARRY: Stay back, Chuck!
CHARLIE: I'd prefer Big Man.
LARRY: Well get used to Chuck! Once Mira wins, there won't be anymore government! There won't be anymore anything!
CHARLIE: We don't know that.
FILSON: Actually, sir, we're pretty certain.
CHARLIE: Not helping, Filson.
FILSON: Sorry, Big Man.

Charlie moved closer to Larry.

CHARLIE: Larry, don't do this. Don't be like Nat.
LARRY: You never did understand destiny, Chuck.
CHARLIE: I understood you.
LARRY: Then take me down.
CHARLIE: I don't want to have to do that.
VOICE: Fine, I'll do it.

A gunshot rang out. Larry looked down and saw blood.

He fell into Charlie's arms.

Charlie looked behind him and saw Gordo with a gun.

GORDO: A prophet would have seen that coming.

Then he pointed the gun at Charlie.

GORDO: One down, four to go.

And he pulled the trigger.

Janie's Revenge

2009-10-28T23:44:00.000-07:00

There was a lot of blood.

Sara took out seven men using nothing but her lipstick and a twig she found on the ground.

The homeless army led by Jono managed to beat back Mira Sorvino's crew of assassins.

Four minutes in, Janie saw the man who killed her husband.

His face was covered, but Janie knew it was him because of his exposed hands.

JANIE: You're mine!

The assassin took off his mask, revealing--

MIRA: You sure you can handle me?
JANIE: You killed my husband?
MIRA: And I still haven't gotten my thank you card.

Janie ran at her, but she felt herself being pulled back behind a parked car.

JANIE: Sara!
SARA: She'll kill you.
JANIE: I'll die with honor!
SARA: Probably not. She's been known to dress up her corpses like land turtles.
JANIE: I HAVE TO DO THIS!

She came out from behind the car, and felt the bullet pierce her left shoulder.

Janie remembered seeing Sara running out from behind the car, and holding her...telling her she'd be fine...

That was when she saw Tim, the Fake Prophet coming at them...

...And it all went dark.

Don't Mess With the Homeless

2009-10-28T00:54:00.000-07:00

Larry woke up in a cold sweat.

Then he realized he was sleeping in a bathtub.

Still, he was sweating.

He could hear the sounds of people on the roof.

VOICE: Larry!

Charlie pulled him out of the bathtub.

CHARLIE: They're here. They found us.
VOICE: Guys!

They looked down towards the doors of the store, where shadows were moving around in the parking lot. Then ten sets of headlights came pouring into the furniture store, waking all the hobos, who were not pleased.

SARA: How did they know we were here?
VOICE: I think I know the answer to that.

Jono held up Larry's phone.

LARRY: Uh oh...y'all.
JONO: Drop the accent, Larry. You tipped off Mira Sorvino.
JANIE: Larry, why?
LARRY: Because, apparently, I'm the Prophet.
SARA: Bull.
LARRY: Nat told me!
CHARLIE: Did he also say to betray all of us?
LARRY: YES!
JONO: Actually, that does sound like Nat.

There was the sound of men unloading outside the store. The hobos were all gathered in the kitchen section.

Agent Filson whistled for attention.

FILSON: Clearly, we can't trust Larry. That means he's getting locked in a cabinet during what's about to go down.
JANIE: Which is?
FILSON: We see if we can hold them off until morning. It's only another hour.
SARA: With what army?
JONO: This one.

Jono motioned behind him, where the hobos were already sharpening the legs of the dining room tables that they'd ripped off with their bare hands.

CHARLIE: They know how to fight?
JONO: Why do you think I've been homeless all these years? I was trying to build a militia to overthrow the government.
CHARLIE: But Jono, I run the government.
JONO: I'm aware of that, but you do a rotten job.
SARA: He's got a point, Big Man.

Just then, a smoke bomb came crashing through the door.

JANIE: What are we going to do?
JONO: We're not going to hold them off, that's for sure. We're going to take them down!

There arose a cry of war from one of the hobos. They had streaked their faces with dried tuna.

JONO: Grab a faucet or a small chair, and strike with fury!

Jono ran for the door with his hobos behind him.

It was almost moving...if not for the tuna.

JANIE: I've got the man that killed my husband.
SARA: I've got Mira.
CHARLIE: I'll hang back here so that the infrastructure doesn't topple.

They all looked at him.

CHARLIE: What? I'm like the General.
SARA: I think Jono of the Hobos just took that spot.
JANIE: What about Larry--

But when they turned around, Larry was gone.

And so was Filson...

...and his gun.

CHARLIE: On second thought, let me handle Larry.

How To Be a Prophet

2009-10-27T01:02:00.000-07:00

Nat was explaining to Larry how being a prophet works.

NAT: You have to kill the Night Chasers.
LARRY: But they protect the Prophet.
NAT: They try to, but you keep trying to kill them.
LARRY: But the Prophet trains the Night Chasers.
NAT: Sometimes they train the Prophets. I trained you and the others, but I was trained by the Night Chasers of my time.
LARRY: What happened to the Night Chasers of your time?
NAT: I killed them.
LARRY: Ahhh...

They were having this discussion in Larry's dream.

LARRY: So I have to kill Charlie, Sara, Janie, and Jono?
NAT: You have to try to kill them at least.
LARRY: But they're my friends.
NAT: You're doing them a favor. It'll toughen them up. It's a Prophet's job to toughen up the Night Chasers for when they face bigger and stronger foes.
LARRY: Like Linda the Evil Acrobat?
NAT: Nah, she was just an idiot.

The waitress, an iguana, brought them more noodles.

LARRY: These noodles aren't so bad.
NAT: Forget the noodles. Wake up, tell Filson that I told you that the prophet has the tattoo that Gordo has, that'll throw them off. Then get them to a safe location, and tip off Mira Sorvino where you are.
LARRY: Won't I get killed in the process? Mira Sorvino wants to kill the prophet and end the world.
NAT: The Night Chasers won't let her kill you.
LARRY: But what if they fail?
NAT: Then we're all doomed anyway.

Nat threw a twenty on the table and two lollipops.

NAT: Now wake up and betray your friends. It's your destiny.
LARRY: Okay.
NAT: And finish your noodles; you're too thin.

Nat disappeared.

LARRY: I better start working on that fake Southern accent.

Larry's Dream

2009-10-26T16:10:00.000-07:00

This is Larry's dream.

LARRY: Hello?

He's at the Pancake Palace.

LARRY: I'd like some pancakes.
VOICE: Hello Larry.

He turns around and sees Nat.

LARRY: Nat?
NAT: I know, I look pretty good considering I'm dead, huh?

He takes a seat the counter next to Larry.

LARRY: Ohhh, this is a vision, isn't it?
NAT: Yup. I've come to bring you a message.
LARRY: If it's about Tim--
NAT: That was a red herring.
LARRY: Tim's a fish?
NAT: No, the note leading you to the Juice Shack was a red herring.
LARRY: Ohhh...
NAT: Tim's not the prophet.
LARRY: Then who is?

The waitress brought a bowl of noodles.

LARRY: I wanted pancakes.
NAT: They don't have pancakes in visions.
LARRY: Oh right, I forgot.

Nat waves to the Blue Gorilla sitting at the next table.

LARRY: So...
NAT: My replacement?
LARRY: If it's not Tim--
NAT: I'm surprised you haven't figured it out yet, Larry.

It suddenly hit Larry was Nat was saying.

NAT: It's you.

Return to Hobo Town

2009-10-24T12:56:00.000-07:00

The Night Chasers had to find a place to hide Gordo from Mira Sorvino.

JONO: Hobo Town is pretty safe.

Sara didn't like the suggestion at first, but Charlie pointed out that Mira was way too classy to ever set foot in Hobo Town, so Jono won out.

JANIE: Is it still in that furniture store?
JONO: Yes, ma'am.
JANIE: And do they still eat all their meals in the model sinks?
JONO: Yup. They're cleaner than the tables in the dining room section. You don't want to know what they do on those.
SARA: If one bum touches me--
LARRY: I call top bunk with Charlie.
CHARLIE: Larry!
LARRY: Sorry. Top bunk with Boss Man.

When they got there, Agent Filson took Gordo to the window section so he couldn't sneak away.

JONO: You're just going to stay there all night, Filson?
FILSON: I can sleep anywhere. Even leaning up against a bay window.
JONO: Hey, live and let live, man.

Everybody seemed to be relaxing. If they could just make it to morning with Gordo still alive; it would be a lot easier to get him to a safe spot once tomorrow night rolled around. Mira wasn't a Daytimer; there wouldn't be much she could do in the light of day.

SARA: You really think she's not going to try something?
JANIE: How can she? She doesn't know where we are.
LARRY: Can y'all just stop worrying and get some sleep? Sun's gonna be up soon.

Larry set the alarm on his phone.

At least, that's what it looked like.

But in reality, he was sending out a text message.

"We're at Hobo Town. Time to move."

LARRY: Well, I don't know about y'all, but I feel pretty good right about now.

The Prophet and The Panda

2009-10-23T14:18:00.000-07:00

The Night Chasers were conversing in the panda pit.

Polly, a pregnant panda, was listening to them.

SARA: We're all going to die.
CHARLIE: This is still doable.
SARA: Charlie, don't be an idiot. There is nothing doable about this! This is so NOT doable!
JONO: Should we get him away from the panda? What if she eats him?
JANIE: She'd be doing us a favor.
LARRY: Y'all! He's the prophet!

They all looked at the prophet, who was sitting across from Polly.

Polly wasn't impressed.

CHARLIE: How are you doing, Gordo?
GORDO: I hate you all.
CHARLIE: That's nice.

Agent Filson was standing guard over him.

SARA: The Replacement Prophet is not supposed to want to kill all of us.
JONO: Nat tried to kill us.
JANIE: That was a misunderstanding.
LARRY: I reckon meat cleavers usually aren't involved in misunderstandin's.
CHARLIE: Well, like it or not, he's the prophet. He has the tattoo.
SARA: How do we know he didn't put that on himself to PRETEND to be the prophet? Nat said the prophet was at the juice shack where we met Tim.
LARRY: Nat was out of his mind! Besides, maybe he was still mad at us and wanted us to go on a wild goose chase. If he had told us that Gordo was the prophet, that would have been too easy. He's Janie's brother.
JANIE: Believe me, there's nothing easy about that.

Polly caught Gordo trying to eat some of her food right out of the bowl. She growled at him. He folded his arms and continued to sulk.

SARA: Did you see Gordo in your dream anywhere?
LARRY: No, but Nat helped me recollect the tattoo.
CHARLIE: The tattoo that Gordo has.
VOICE: You're forgetting the photos we found in Nat's apartment.

Agent Filson walked over and handed the photos to Charlie.

They were of Gordo--at the laundromat, at the bowling alley, at the--

JONO: Juice shack.

Each photo had Gordo's head circled with a word above it.

"Prophet"

SARA: We're all going to die.

That was when Polly walked away from them.

She needed to go prepare for the Apocalypse.

Red Paint

2009-10-23T13:55:00.000-07:00

Tim, the Replacement Prophet (who apparently isn't) sat up.

The Foofer Club was empty.

Mira Sorvino was standing over him.

TIM: Did I kill everybody?
MIRA: No, you didn't.
TIM: Aw, darn.
MIRA: You're also not the prophet.
TIM: I'm not?
MIRA: No.
TIM: Aw, darn.

Mira put her high heel down on his chest.

TIM: Ouch! That hurts.
MIRA: That's because you were shot with a paintball gun.
TIM: At least I'm not dead.
MIRA: Sorry if I'm not seeing that as an upside.
TIM: Why would someone shoot me with a paintball gun?
MIRA: Because the Boss Man's administration is more Ghandi than Godzilla.
TIM: I guess I'm lucky.
MIRA: Notice how I have my heel on your chest.

She twisted it.

TIM: Ouch!

He swatted at her leg, but she moved it before his hand could connect.

MIRA: This does solve one problem.
TIM: Which is?
MIRA: When you were the prophet, I was going to have to figure out a way to kill you, which was probably going to be fairly difficult since you seem to have some sort of super-strength.
TIM: Do you think I could lift up a house if I wanted to?
MIRA: We can try that later. First, I want you to kill the real prophet. Then the Night Chasers.
TIM: Okey doke. Who's the real prophet?

Mira smiled.

MIRA: Finding out who he was happened to be the only good news I got tonight.

Just Don't Kill Him

2009-10-21T23:22:00.000-07:00

The Night Chasers got into the Foofer Club just as Tim the Replacement Prophet was leaving the V.I.P. room to come kill them.

CHARLIE: Remember, the goal is to get Tim and get out.
JONO: Does drinking fit anywhere in there?
ALL: No!
JONO: Just asking.

Tim saw the five of them, and started running headfirst at them.

Now, normally, someone running into you would only be mildly unpleasant, but having Tim run into you is a bit like being hit by a Buick Century.

LARRY: Hey y'all, ain't that Tim?
SARA: Why is he--

Tim slammed into Sara, sending her flying against the wall, and knocking her unconscious.

JANIE: Tim?
TIM: Yes?
JANIE: Why did you do that?
TIM: Mira told me to.
JONO: Mira Sorvino?
TIM: Yup. She said you guys killed her clone--
LARRY: Clone? Oh dang.
TIM: Or look-a-like, rather. Then she told me to kill you.
JANIE: And you're going to?
TIM: Yup.
CHARLIE: Why?
TIM: Because if I don't she'll break Irish Mark.
JONO: The statue?
TIM: I love that statue.

It was becoming clear to them that Tim was a little slow. Janie leaned over and whispered to Charlie.

JANIE: What do we do?
CHARLIE: Just don't kill him.

Tim grabbed Charlie by the arm.

TIM: You first, boss man.

Janie tried tripping him from behind, but he slammed his other arm into her sending her flying onto the dance floor and into a crowd of Hee-men.

Then he grabbed Larry, and brought him headfirst into Charlie, knocking them both out.

JONO: Oh boy.
TIM: Come on. At least put up a fight.

That was when a bullet exploded into Tim's chest. He looked down, almost as if it were a joke, then fell to his knees.

TIM: Tell Irish Mark I said good-bye.

Then he died. Everyone in the club screamed and started running out past Filson.

Jono turned around to see Agent Filson with a smoking gun.

FILSON: Your welcome.
JONO: Welcome? Filson, you just shot the replacement prophet! We're screwed.
FILSON: That wasn't the replacement prophet.

He stepped aside.

FILSON: This is...

The Fraggles at the Foofer Club

2009-10-20T22:42:00.000-07:00

The Night Chasers showed up to the Foofer Club just as things were heating up.

JANIE: I thought this place burned down.
LARRY: I reckon it did. They just built it right on back up again.
SARA: I wish he'd have another epiphany so that we could end this episode of 'Hee Haw.'
LARRY: Hey! I'm the fella that found out Tim was here.
JONO: Guys, does anyone want to trade costumes? I don't fit in this one anymore.
CHARLIE: I have to wear this one. I'm too recognizable without the mask.

Here's what you should know about the Foofer Club.

- Everyone has to come dressed as an 80's cartoon.
- It's located in a masonic temple.
- This is where Mira Sorvino has her secret hide-out.

MIRA: DRAT!
DRAT: Yes?
MIRA: The Night Chasers are here.

Mira had a camera on the door, and was watching as The Night Chasers got to the front of the line.

Drat is her personal assistant, who's also a trained yoga instructor.

DRAT: We should stretch.
MIRA: Shut up! I'm about to settle the score.
DRAT: Are you still mad because they put Mira Clone #5 in traction?
MIRA: No. I'm mad because they ruined my ice cream truck. Nobody f**ks with Mira's ice cream truck.
DRAT: Well, don't worry. They're not getting in the club anyway. Those costumes are so no-go retro.

The Night Chasers all showed up dressed as Fraggles.

Charlie was Gobo, Sara was Red, Janie was Mokey, Larry was Wembley, and Jono was Boober.

SARA: I should have gone as one of the sexy Doozers.
JONO: I agree.
LARRY: I got my Uncle Matt costume in the truck down yonder.
JONO: How come all the Fraggles have weird names but Uncle Matt is Uncle Matt? Isn't that a little normal for a Fraggle?
JANIE: I can't believe we're having this discussion.
CHARLIE: Keep an eye out for Tim when we get inside.

They weren't getting inside. Drat was right; Fraggles are out. My Little Ponys are back.

MIRA: Let them in.
DRAT: Ew, but they'll ruin the vibe.
MIRA: I don't care.
DRAT: Are you going to kill them and stuff?
MIRA: No, I'm not going to lay a hand on them.

She looked over at her other camera. The one pointed at the V.I.P. room where Tim was sitting, getting drinks served to him, getting tipsier and tipsier.

MIRA: I have a feeling he's an angry drunk.

Mira smiled--ominously, but I'm guessing you figured that out.

CHARLIE: Looks like we're getting in.
JONO: Great. It's been a long time since I partied.

Ping Pong

2009-10-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

The Night Chasers found another ball pit.

JONO: This really hurts.

Unfortunately, the balls were of the ping pong nature.

CHARLIE: It's the best we could do.

They went to Stort's Sporting Goods on Mason Avenue, and tried to plan their next move.

JANIE: Does anybody think Mira's really dead?
SARA: Not a chance. I've lit that woman on fire, and she used her ignited body to light a cigarette. She's indestructible.
LARRY: Y'all, we don't even know where she hid Tim.

Something I should mention: After Larry's had a vision, which he had a few episodes back, he starts talking in a different accent.

LARRY: Somebody's baking bread three blocks down.

He also starts developing odd characteristics.

LARRY: There's a pregnant mouse somewhere in this sporting goods store.
CHARLIE: Larry, focus.
LARRY: Sorry, dumplin'.
SARA: I hate when he goes Southern.
CHARLIE: Did your dream tell you anything about where Mira hid Tim?
LARRY: Yessum, but I don't reckon it could be accurate.
JANIE: Why do you say that?

Larry stopped chewing on his ping pong ball.

LARRY: This was made outside of Kansas.
JONO: You think?
CHARLIE: Larry!
LARRY: He's at the Foofer Club.

Everyone went silent.

SARA: That's impossible. That place closed years ago.
LARRY: Sorry, y'all. That's where I spied him.

Larry swallowed his ping pong ball.

CHARLIE: Does anyone still have their costume?

With much shame, everybody raised their hands.

The Replacement Prophet

2009-10-18T22:33:00.000-07:00

Mira Sorvino was sitting in her Oscar room.

She was sitting with Tim, the Replacement Prophet.

Word had just gotten back to her from the Ice Cream team that the Night Chasers had gotten away, and that her Mira Double had been seriously injured.

That was the third one this month. She was running out of look-a-likes that also knew how to fire a gun and act opposite Woody Allen.

Still, she had to stay focused. She had to make sure this boy was the replacement prophet, or there would be no point in killing him.

MIRA: How are you feeling Tim?

He still clutching that statue of Irish Mark.

TIM: I'm fine, thank you. Aren't you Elisabeth Shue?
MIRA: No, I'm not.

Other men had been disemboweled for making that mistake. Many, many other men.

TIM: Am I kidnapped?
MIRA: Nooo, I just want to get to know you.
TIM: Okay. I'm Tim.
MIRA: I got that part. You work at the Juice Shack?
TIM: Yup, but just sometimes.
MIRA: How come 'just sometimes?'
TIM: Because I mess up a lot.
MIRA: How do you mess up juice?

Tim shrugged.

TIM: Sometimes I scare the customers.
MIRA: But you're so small. Who would be scared by you?
TIM: I can show you if you want.
MIRA: Please do.

Tim looked around the room. It was mostly empty side from a pedestal with Mira's Oscar on it.

TIM: See that wall?
MIRA: Yes, Tim, it would be hard to miss it.
TIM: Watch.

He walked over to the wall, screamed, and ran his head through it.

Then he turned around.

TIM: Are you going to hurt me now?

Mira smiled.

MIRA: Not yet, Tim, not yet.

The Blood-Thirsty Mira Sorvino

2009-10-17T23:19:00.000-07:00

The Night Chasers were trapped in a movie theater.

Outside they could hear Agents Filson and Trad fighting, who they presumed to be, Mira Sorvino.

SARA: We have to get out of here.
JANIE: What about Filson and Trad?
CHARLIE: Sara's right. They're supposed to protect us. What's the point if we're dead?
JONO: Larry, when you had your vision, did you see us getting killed by the blood-thirsty Mira Sorvino?
LARRY: I mostly ate pancakes with Nat.
SARA: Well, that's helpful.

The door flew open, Filson ran in, and shut the door behind him.

FILSON: It's Elisabeth Shue. She's going to kill us.
GORDO: Mmhmhmmmm!
SARA: Dammit, somebody take the gag out of his mouth.

Jono ripped the duct tape off.

GORDO: IT'S NOT ELISABETH SHUE! IT'S MIRA SORVINO.
JONO: The blood-thirsty Mira Sorvino.
FILSON: I have to get Big Man out of here.
JANIE: Hey!
FILSON: And all the rest of you, of course.
CHARLIE: What about Trad?
FILSON: Boss Man, Trad made his choice.
LARRY: He's going to sacrifice his life for us?
FILSON: No, he ran away.
LARRY: Oh.

They all ran out the back of the theater while Mira and her goons pounded away at the double doors leading into the theater.

Filson's van was parked outside.

FILSON: Everybody in!

They were headed down Nosi Boulevard when an ice cream truck pulled up behind them and started firing at them.

JONO: Why the f**k is it always ice cream?

Sara looked out the rear-view mirror, and saw that Mira was on top of the ice cream truck with a rather large gun.

CHARLIE: She's out of her mind! This street isn't sanctioned for high-speed chases!
JANIE: She's trying to destroy the world, Boss Man. I don't think she's worried about the Daytimers seeing us air our dirty laundry in public.
SARA: Filson, do you have a gun?
FILSON: In the glove compartment.

The back right tire on the van blew out.

SARA: I'm going to need something bigger than the glove compartment.
LARRY: We should get out and run.
CHARLIE: Night Chasers don't run.
GORDO: Then I'm glad I'm not a Night Chaser, because I plan on running.
SARA: Here. Let me help you with that.

Sara grabbed Gordo, and opened the door of the van.

SARA: Larry, help me.
GORDO: What are you doing?
SARA: I'm going to slow that Oscar-winning bitch down.
JANIE: Sara! He's my brother!
GORDO: Bless you, Janie.
JANIE: Let me help.

The van was slowing down. Sparks were coming from the back end.

Janie grabbed Gordo's legs, while Sara held his arms.

SARA: 1...2...
GOROD: No!

They threw him out the back, and he landed right on the ice cream truck's windshield. The truck swerved, and went right into the Fire Lagoon at Mouse's Mini-Golf Course.

The van came to a screeching halt.

LARRY: Do you think she's dead?
JONO: Of course not. You can't kill Mira Sorvino.

You can only make her stronger.

A Late Night Movie

2009-10-16T23:30:00.000-07:00

The Night Chasers were sitting in a movie theater. Agents Filson and Trad were standing guard at the door.

SARA: Why are we doing this again?
CHARLIE: We need to learn about our opponent.
JONO: I don't know why you keep saying opponent like we're actually going to fight her. The woman would eat us alive.
JANIE: She has the replacement prophet and she tried to kill us. She was most likely responsible for the death of my husband. Plus, she's a terrible fucking actress.
JONO: I liked Mighty Aphrodite.
LARRY: I liked Romy and Michelle.
ALL, but JANIE: Ohhh, Romy and Michelle--
JANIE: SHUT UP!

Everybody got quiet.

Onscreen, "At First Sight" was playing.

LARRY: She said she'd come back to destroy us.
SARA: I could take her.
JONO: Sara, she put you in traction.
SARA: I had gotten a new haircut that day. It threw me.
CHARLIE: She threw me off a building.
GORDO: Mmm--ugh--mmm.

Gordo was tied up and gagged sitting next to Janie.

JANIE: By the way, what are we going to do with him?
SARA: Is murder off the table?
CHARLIE: He might still prove useful.
SARA: You mean like he'll dig his own grave before we throw him into it?

Larry laughed.

I know what you're thinking.

What's the point of Larry?

He doesn't seem to do much besides crack jokes about how him and Charlie used to be an item.

He knows everyone, and has some general street knowledge, but other that than, he's pointless.

So, why is he here?

Well, you're about to find out.

LARRY: Guys--
JONO: Larry, Val Kilmer is talking.
LARRY: Uh--I'm having--
SARA: Can't we watch something else she was in? How about that movie where she played the ugly Marilyn Monroe?
LARRY: GUYS!

Larry ran up to the screen and started throwing himself against it.

The others had to run down the aisle, grab him, and hold him down.

CHARLIE: We have to get him to calm down.
SARA: He might be able to tell us something.
CHARLIE: Not like this. If it happens like this, he winds up in the hospital.
SARA: Chuck--
CHARLIE: Sara!
SARA: BIG MAN! We need whatever help we can get!
JANIE: Larry, can you hear me?

But Larry wasn't there.

Larry was sitting at the Pancake Palace. He was sitting next to Nat.

NAT: How you doing, Larry?
LARRY: Honestly, I've been better.
NAT: That's because you're not breathing. In a few seconds, you'll be brain-dead. So I better be quick.
LARRY: You know how to beat Mira Sorvino?
NAT: No fucking clue.
LARRY: Do you know where she's keeping Tim?
NAT: That, I do know.

That was when Larry came out of his seizure.

CHARLIE: Larry, what happened?
SARA: What did you hear?
JONO: Were they lotto numbers?

Larry sat up and looked at the screen. Mira was smiling at him.

LARRY: We have an hour. Then she's going to kill him.
JANIE: Do you know where she is?

That was when they heard the gunshots outside.

LARRY: She's here.

The Bad Guy

2009-10-15T23:56:00.000-07:00

"Nooooo!!!"

They'd been torturing Gordo for five minutes.

SARA: Are you going to talk?
GORDO: I can't!
JANIE: Gordo, you can't take much more of this.
GORDO: So stop then!
JONO: We really can't do that. You did try to kill us after all.
GORDO: I'm not talking!
LARRY: Gordo, it's only going to get worse.
GORDO: GO TO HELL!
CHARLIE: Agent Trad, continue.

Gordo was tied to a chair in the back room of the Pancake Palace, where the team had reconvened to try and figure out who had kidnapped Tim and attempted to murder the Night Chasers.

Agent Trad was inflicting unbelievable psychological turmoil on him.

GORDO: Get that thing away from me!

He was holding a ferret up to his face.

GORDO: Ewww! It's like a rat had sex with a raccoon!
SARA: Talk, Gordo! Or we're going to let Agent Trad put it down your pants and let nature take its course.
GORDO: Stop! Stop! I'll talk!
CHARLIE: Agent Filson, do you have your notebook?

Filson quickly sharpened his pencil.

FILSON: Ready, Big Man.
CHARLIE: Go ahead, Gordo.

Gordo took a deep breath.

GORDO: She's the scariest person on earth.
SARA: She? A woman kidnapped Tim? A woman is trying to destroy the world?
JONO: Can't believe it, Sara?
SARA: No, I'm just...so proud.
LARRY: It's Lisa Dooley, isn't it? We dated in high school, before...She's always been bitter.
JANIE: Yes, you would drive any woman to world destruction, Larry.
TRAD: QUIET!

They all shut up.

FILSON: Who is it, Gordo? Who are we after?

Gordo started to cry.

GORDO: Who else could it be?
SARA: Stop crying and talk!

She slapped him. He screamed at her.

GORDO: IT'S MIRA SORVINO!

Everyone gasped.

JONO: I say we leave town.

Strings Attached

2009-10-14T22:44:00.000-07:00

The Night Chasers woke up standing.

Admittedly, that's pretty unusual.

"They're opening their eyes."
"This one just tried to scratch himself."
"Taser him."
"Ooooowww!"

That really woke everybody up.

Charlie was the first to notice that they had all become human marionettes.

CHARLIE: I'm a little confused.
VOICE: Are you really?
CHARLIE: NO! IT CAN'T BE!
VOICE: Oh, but it is.

Oh, but it was--

CHARLIE: Marionette!

What? You were expecting another villain who hangs up heroes like marionettes?

MARIONETTE: Hello Boss Man.
CHARLIE: What's going on?
MARIONETTE: I rescued you from the ice cream deathtrap.
CHARLIE: Thank you.
MARIONETTE: So that I could settle my score with you by hanging you up and torturing you.
SARA: Look, if you want to spank somebody, I'd like to point out that I don't have much of an ass.
LARRY: You rescued us to torture us? What a Western way of thinking.
JONO: And now we're your puppets, huh?
CHARLIE: Oh no...

Marionette's eyes flared.

MARIONETTE: NOT PUPPETS! MARIONETTES!

Janie was the only one smart enough to look around and take in the surroundings. They were in some sort of warehouse. Marionette had two goons behind him dressed like Charlie McCarthy and Howdy Doody.

This was some pretty sick shit.

All the Night Chasers--and Gordo--were covered in melted ice cream and strung up.

Janie wasn't sure how they were getting out of this one.

GORDO: What are you going to do to us?
MARIONETTE: I'm not going to do anything to you. You're not a Night Chaser.
GORDO: Oh, thank God.
MARIONETTE: I'm just going to shoot you.
SARA: Oh look, a silver lining.
MARIONETTE: The rest of you are going to perform the lonely goat herd song from 'The Sound of Music' and then be mercilessly dismembered.
JONO: Is there a way we could skip right to the dismemberment?
LARRY: Kris? Is that you?

Howdy Doody stepped forward.

HOWDY: Larry? Oh my GOD!
LARRY: Wow, you look great.
HOWDY: You think so? I'm new to this whole evil henchman thing.
LARRY: Well, you always did look good in chaps.
MARIONETTE: Could we get back to--

That was when a car came crashing through the warehouse doors. Agents Filson and Trad jumped out and pointed their guns at Marionette and the two henchmen.

FILSON: Something told me we were going to have to cut our night out short.
CHARLIE: What was that?
FILSON: The sight of melted ice cream coming down Pulver Street.
TRAD: Nasty.

Marionette took out a pack of cigarettes and lit up.

MARIONETTE: Whatever. I missed jail anyway. You can't trust those guys to water the plants.

The Ice Cream Trap

2009-10-13T19:51:00.001-07:00

Gordo heard the explosion happen behind him, and he knew he had succeeded.

He had finally murdered a family member, and that meant he was a super villain.

Life was sweet. He deserved ice cream.

So he headed to Evil Joe's, every villain's favorite ice cream parlor.

EVIL JOE: Hey Gordo, what can I get you?
GORDO: The usual, Joe.
EVIL JOE: Uh, you've never ordered the same thing twice.
GORDO: Haha, surprise me then.

Damn Joe trying to make him look bad in front of the regulars. Maybe he'd be the next guy on Gordo's hit list.

That was when the television over the bar--

(What? Ice Cream parlors can't have bars?)

--switched to a completely different station.

"Hello, Gordo."

It was the scariest human being on the planet. Gordo nearly died just looking at the screen. Then he remembered how successful he'd been, and he began to smile.

"Why are you smiling, you gigantic failure?"

He stopped smiling.

GORDO: I killed them. I killed The Night Chasers--one of them being my sister!

"No, you didn't. They all got out safely."

GORDO: That's impossible!

"Of course it's not. Whenever you blow up a building full of heroes, they always get out all right. Unless it's sweeps week on television, in which case, the least important of them dies dramatically."

GORDO: So nobody died?

"Not a one, but that's all right. I knew nobody would."

GORDO: Really? How?

"Because whenever someone like me sends someone like you to do any sort of job involving murdering people, nobody gets murdered. It's just the way life is."

GORDO: Sooo...you're not going to kill me?

"Oh, I'm going to kill you. Just not yet."

Gordo looked around for a secret assassin hiding behind the sprinkles buffet. But he was the only one in the place besides--

GORDO: Joe?

"I had Joe leave. I don't want him getting caught in the cross-fire."

GORDO: Cross-fire?

"The Night Chasers followed you here."

GORDO: And you knew they would?

"Just like I knew you'd fail and then reward yourself with Peanut Butter Fudge."

GORDO: Mmm, that sounds--

"Shut up!"

GORDO: Sorry.

"You're about to serve your purpose--inadvertently, of course."

GORDO: This is a trap, isn't it?

"You got it."

The television turned off, and the doors flew open. There were The Night Chasers.

GORDO: Gulp.

He wondered which would kill him first--the trap or his sister.

JANIE: I'm going to go ahead and revoke your invitation to Thanksgiving this year.
GORDO: Fair enough.

Sara had his throat in her hand before he could say another word.

SARA: Any last words?
GORDO: Tra--gag--tra--
LARRY: What's he trying to say?
SARA: Tracheotomy?
JONO: It's a soft 'a.'
CHARLIE: I think he's saying--

The doors slammed shut.

JANIE: Gordo, what's going on?
GORDO: Gah-ah-ah.
CHARLIE: Sara, drop him.

She took him over to the hot fudge barrel, then dropped him.

GORDO: Ooooww!
SARA: Build a bridge and get over it.
JANIE: What kind of trap is this?
JONO: Are they going to shoot us?
LARRY: Is this another ambush?
CHARLIE: Gordo, what--

That was when the melted ice cream came pouring in...

It came from the ceiling.
It came from behind the counter.
It came through the air vents.

And it was pistachio, which is the worst kind of melted ice cream.

SARA: Are you kidding me with this? We're going to die via milkshake?

The room was already a third of the way full. All the doors were locked.

JONO: All the doors are locked.

I just said that.

JANIE: This might actually be a viable murder attempt.
CHARLIE: Filson and Trad are waiting outside. They'll let us out.
LARRY: Uh...maybe not.
CHARLIE: Huh?
LARRY: I thought we could handle ourselves. We're the Night Chasers, Chuck.
CHARLIE: Boss Man--and what did you do?
LARRY: I gave them the rest of the night off.
CHARLIE: YOU DID WHAT?

Agents Filson and Trad were already chowing down at the local fried plantain chain on Blitton Street.

CHARLIE: And they listened to you?
LARRY: They did when I told them you said it was okay.
GORDO: The room's already half full.
SARA: And these are my GOOD SHOES!
JANIE: What are we going to do?

They all looked at each other.

Then...

ALL: HELP!

Gordo

2009-10-13T12:20:00.000-07:00

"He's my brother."

Meet Gordo, a twenty-one year old screw-up.

GORDO: Don't spread that around, sis.

He's Janie's brother.

GORDO: You'll never get me to talk.

Janie walked over to Gordo, grabbed him by the hair, and twisted.

GORDO: Ahhh!!!

Sara grabbed Janie's arm.

SARA: What are you doing? You have to twist this way--
GORDO: Ahhh!!!

Agent Filson decided to handle the situation.

FILSON: Your brother is working for the kidnappers?
JANIE: Jesus, Gordo, first the nudists and now this.
GORDO: That was a phase!
SARA: And what's this? A hobby?
GORDO: I've found my true calling.
JANIE: Assassinating your sister?
GORDO: You've joined up with the Daytimers.
JANIE: Says who?
GORDO: Everybody knows the Night Chasers went sunny. That's why you guys disappeared.
JANIE: I told you, we disappeared because we couldn't stand each other.
GORDO: Well you seem to be getting along okay now.

Larry came out from the back room, Charlie from behind the lemur, and Jono from the ball pit.

Lucky Larry's was completely trashed.

LARRY: I really shouldn't have let that insurance policy lapse.

They brought Gordo to the ball pit for some enhanced interrogation.

SARA: You realize he can still breathe even when you dunk his head into the balls, right?
JONO: You got any better ideas?
JANIE: This is a waste of time. We need to find Tim.
CHARLIE: Gordo, do you realize you're working with the people who killed your sister's husband?
GORDO: Mike's dead?

Janie nodded her head.

GORDO: Woohoo! I hated that asshole.
JANIE: I call for more hair-twisting.
SARA: I second.
LARRY: I say we let him go.

Everyone looked at Larry.

LARRY: Obviously, he's not going to talk. We need to figure out another plan. Besides, we can't lock him up. He's Gordo.

They all agreed that he was, in fact, Gordo.

So they let him go.

GORDO: I'll see you in Hell, lameasses!

His exit would have been a lot more impressive if he hadn't ridden to the siege on a unicycle.

SARA: Why did we just let him go?
LARRY: So we could follow him.
CHARLIE: You think he's stupid enough to--
JANIE: He'll probably stop and get ice cream first.
JONO: Great. I'm starving.
FILSON: What's that beeping?

It only took a minute for them to focus on where the noise was coming from--the ball pit.

JONO: Do you think he's smart enough to know how plant a bomb right under our noses?

The beeping got louder.

CHARLIE: EVERYBODY OUT!

Five seconds later, the bomb went off.

The Siege on Lucky Larry's

2009-10-12T23:31:00.000-07:00

Everyone was back in the ball pit.

All of the Night Chasers did their best thinking in the ball pit, so that's where they were--trying to figure out how to get Tim the Replacement Prophet back from whomever kidnapped him.

Agents Filson and Trad were eating grilled cheese in the food court.

LARRY: Remember what we used to do in this ball pit, Charlie?
SARA: Could we please not take that perverse stroll down memory lane?
CHARLIE: Yes, let's stick to the task at hand.
JANIE: Jono, are you drinking in here?
JONO: Just like old times, huh, Janie?

They were going through their list of villains, but so far, no luck.

JONO: Chip and Dip?
SARA: Chip moved to L.A., Dip's in a coma.
LARRY: How do you know that?
SARA: I put him in the coma.

They didn't hear the assassins land on the roof.

JANIE: The Muckraker?
CHARLIE: He got a show on cable.
LARRY: Apparently television pays better than crime.
SARA: It pays better than preventing crime too.

They did hear the assassin fall off the roof.

ASSASSIN: Ahhhh--!

Thump.

JONO: Did a one-hundred and seventy pound man just fall off the roof?

Sometimes Jono can surprise you.

CHARLIE: Filson! Trad!

Before they could put down the grilled cheese, the assassins were already through the windows.

Filson ran for the ball pit, grabbed Charlie, and dragged him behind Lucy the Lemur.

FILSON: We've been compromised.
CHARLIE: There's a word I'm looking for--oh right--DUH!

Trad took out the first two assassins, and then went behind the refreshment counter.

Larry ran for his office, where he had his panic room.

Jono stayed underneath the balls and tried to go to his happy place.

Janie and Sara looked at each other.

SARA: You up for this?
JANIE: One of these bastards killed Mike.
SARA: Make sure there's lots of blood. That's the best way to send a message.

Sara took out fifteen of the assassins using the plate Filson was eating his grilled cheese off of, and Janie took out ten using a stuffed duck.

Larry's voice came over the loudspeaker.

LARRY: Leave one of them alive! They might be able to lead us to Tim!

Trad got the last assasin in the arm, which brought him down, but not out.

Filson ran over and handcuffed the downed man.

FILSON: Looks like we finally caught a break.

Sara walked over to the assassin.

SARA: Let's unmask this guy and see what he has to say.

But when they took off his mask--which incidentally was one of those big rubber masks of Lucille Ball--everybody let out a gasp.

SARA: Gordo?
FILSON: Who's Gordo?

A voice from the back--

VOICE: He's my brother.

The Juice Shack

2009-10-10T22:00:00.001-07:00

All the Night Chasers have special talents.

I'm not talking about super powers, although Jono is able to juggle, and that's not nothing.

Charlie is the leader, that's his talent.

CHARLIE: How did you figure out this was where we were supposed to go?

Janie is the smart one.

JANIE: The statements everyone at the Pancake Palace gave us provided clues.

"Go Tigers."
"Where to?"
"It's not the sway that bothers me."
"You raised the bar in the world of real estate."
"What would you find on toast?"
"I met my wife in Beverly Hills."
"It's nothing but a simple little circle."
"Don't you get what I'm saying? Just ask."
"So many of us wander through life looking for candy."
"That's exactly what I'm talking about, you know--that Irish luck."
"It's all there. I'm telling you. Read the Book of Mark."
"There's a lot of blueberries in this pie, but I say bring more."
"Nobody's going to tell you that there are lots and lots and lots of chipmunks."
"It's not the parameters we were thinking of when we made it out of cedar."
"You want to know what it's all about? I'll tell you. One word, baby: Guns"

Jono is the sarcastic one.

JONO: How the hell did you figure that out?
JANIE: Nat wasn't crazy. He wouldn't be spouting gibberish like that for no reason.

Sara is the fighter.

SARA: So we need to go bust up Irish Mark on Beverly Circle, huh?

Larry is the one who knows everyone.

LARRY: Irish Mark is a statue.
ALL: Huh?
LARRY: It's the statue at the Juice Shack.

Jono is also the one who never has any clue what's going on.

JONO: There's a juice statue in Ireland?

The Juice Shack is the hippest hangout on Beverly Circle, which is the hippest neighborhood to live in in the unspecified city that this blog takes place in.

Keep that in mind.

SONTANYA: Heyyy! Larry!
LARRY: Sontanamera! What's up?

Sontanya runs the Juice Shack. When the Night Chasers show up, there are four people in the shack. Nobody else is cool enough to go in. Plus, Sontanya always forgets to put the "Open" sign out instead of the "Closed" sign, because he's blind.

SONTANYA: Larry, you fat asshole. What are you doing here?

Larry is not fat, again, Sontanya is blind.

JANIE: We're here about the new prophet.
SONTANYA: I heard about Nat. Damn shame.
SARA: We're over it. We just need to find the new prophet before sunrise or the world ends--or something. So, do you know where he is?
SONTANYA: He's not me, lady. I can tell you that much.
CHARLIE: Do you have any idea why Nat would tell us to come here and ask about Irish Mark?
SONTANYA: Not really, Big Man.

Jono shot Janie a look.

JONO: Looks like SOMEONE was wrong.

Sara pinched his nipple.

JONO: OW!
JANIE: Can we at least see the statue?
SONTANYA: Sure. Tim's outside polishing it.
LARRY: Who's Tim?
SONTANYA: My employee. Nice kid. About thirty-six.

Tim is fifteen, but he has an old voice.

JONO: Ding ding ding. We have a winner.

They exited the Juice Shack to give the good news to their favorite agents.

FILSON: How did it go?
JONO: Does your friend ever talk?
TRAD: Mmm...
JONO: Guess not.
SARA: We found the Prophet. He's polishing Irish Mark.
FILSON: Wow, the gays really are taking over.
LARRY: I resent that.
CHARLIE: Irish Mark is a statue.
FILSON: Like that one?

The agents and the Night Chasers turned to see a young man in an apron with juice stains on it holding a giant statue of an Irish man named Mark.

JANIE: Terrific. Now I can go avenge the death of my--

That was when the van pulled up, two masked men pulled Tim inside it, and drove away.

FILSON: So...Anybody get that license plate?

Jono is also usually the first to say--

JONO: FML.

The Crime Scene

2009-10-09T22:33:00.000-07:00

The Night Chasers showed up at the Pancake Palace.

Perhaps 'showed up' is a bad choice of words. They were forced there by Charlie.

CHARLIE: We need to find the replacement Prophet.
JANIE: Charlie--
CHARLIE: Big Man.
SARA: Jesus.
JANIE: It's impossible. Only Nat knew who the next prophet would be, and he would have had to train him.
LARRY: Maybe he already did pick and train him and we just have to find the kid and tell him.
JANIE: Or her.
JONO: Hahahahaha...
SARA: What's so funny?
JONO: A woman prophet--hahaha--that's like a woman basketball player.
CHARLIE: Jono, they let women play basketball.
JONO: When did this happen?

Everyone at the Pancake Palace had been kept there--wait staff, customers, and the conjoined chefs, Terry and Tommy.

SARA: Jono is the one talking to the chefs.
JONO: No f**king way.

Needless to say, nobody at the Pancake Palace was all that thrilled to see the Night Chasers back together.

CUSTOMER #1: Well, look at that. They reunited the Moron Squad.
LARRY: A little respect, please.
CUSTOMER #2: You going to blow up anything while you're here?
JANIE: That casino was run by crooks and thieves.
SARA: They also cheated Janie out of twenty bucks at the craps table. Let that be a lesson to you.

There were about fifteen people in the restaurant, Terry and Tommy counting as one.

JONO: So what's the plan, Big Man?
CHARLIE: Interview time.
ALL: Moan groan ugh.
CHARLIE: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

After an hour, they'd gotten statements--and one black eye--from everyone.

SARA: You look good with a shiner, Jono.
JONO: You know, I didn't mean to grab you there.
SARA: I know where you meant to grab me, and you're luck you missed, or it wouldn't be your eye that's black.

They convened in the kitchen.

CHARLIE: So what do we got?
LARRY: It seems like he talked to everyone in the place.
JANIE: But didn't say much.
JONO: And what he did say doesn't seem to make much sense.
CHARLIE: I know what you mean.

Before Nat died, he said the following things to the fifteen people the Night Chasers interviewed:

"Go Tigers."
"Where to?"
"It's not the sway that bothers me."
"You raised the bar in the world of real estate."
"What would you find on toast?"
"I met my wife in Beverly Hills."
"It's nothing but a simple little circle."
"Don't you get what I'm saying? Just ask."
"So many of us wander through life looking for candy."
"That's exactly what I'm talking about, you know--that Irish luck."
"It's all there. I'm telling you. Read the Book of Mark."
"There's a lot of blueberries in this pie, but I say bring more."
"Nobody's going to tell you that there are lots and lots and lots of chipmunks."
"It's not the parameters we were thinking of when we made it out of cedar."
"You want to know what it's all about? I'll tell you. One word, baby: Guns"

JANIE: Okay, so I guess we know where we're going next.
JONO: We do?
JANIE: Jono, he left it for us in plain sight.
SARA: Good old Janie the Decoder.
CHARLIE: Good thing, too. Because we need to get there fast. Remember the rule.

Cough cough.

The Night Chasers turned to see Agents Filson and Trad clearing their throats to remind them that not everyone is familiar with the age-old rules of the Night Timers.

CHARLIE: We need a new Prophet before the sun comes up.
FILSON: Or?
LARRY: It'll be like the Apocalypse--without all the bells and whistles.

Everyone looked at Janie.

JANIE: I guess that means we're ready to go.

The Scariest Human Being on the Planet

2009-10-08T21:03:00.000-07:00

"Are you sure she wants us to meet her here?"

Plan A and Plan C were standing outside Bingo's Toys downtown waiting for instructions. Plan B was killed in the supermarket by Lanie a short time ago.

That meant their boss was not going to be pleased.

PLAN C: Man, can't we just leave? She's going to be pissed.
PLAN A: If we leave, she'll find us. Then it'll be worse.
PLAN C: She freaks me out, man.
PLAN A: Of course she does. She's the scariest human being on the planet.

Now you know where I got the title from--

Plan A's Blackberry went off. There was a text message.

"Come Inside--Now"

PLAN C: We're so screwed.

They entered the toy store, where a giant ring had been set up. Inside the ring were too yellow foam bats.

Sitting on a chair high above the ring was--

PLANS A and C: Cindy.

She applauded them.

CINDY: I applaud your incompetence.
PLAN A: Boss, we--
CINDY: DID I SAY YOU COULD SPEAK?

Plan A wet himself. Cindy is the scariest human being on the planet, after all.

CINDY: Plan B was killed tonight.

Plans A and C nodded.

CINDY: I don't really care about that.

They breathed sighs of relief.

CINDY: But I do care about all the Night Chasers still being alive.

They stopped breathing--for, you know, a few seconds.

CINDY: You have failed tonight--and that means one of you must die.

Plan A looked at Plan C. Plan C thought of his many cats.

CINDY: You will shut the door to the ring, and each pick up one yellow foam bat. You will use these bats, and only these bats, to engage in battle. Whoever survives will continue to serve me with a new appreciation for life, a new dedication to the work, and perhaps a few less working organs.

Plan A wondered how much force it would take to shove a foam bat down a man's throat. Plan C thought of his cats.

CINDY: Gentlemen, begin.

Cindy watched them battle it out. At one point, she almost vomited, but then remembered her mother telling her that only hermaphrodites vomited at the sight of blood--and she was born a full-on lady.

When it was all over, Plan C stood victorious. The thought of his cats had kept him going.

CINDY: Bravo, Plan C.

He had to remind himself to find his index finger once Cindy wasn't looking at him.

PLAN C: May I ask a question?
CINDY: You may.
PLAN C: Why was I made to do this when I wasn't even in the supermarket when Plan B was killed?
CINDY: You weren't?
PLAN C: No, Boss.
CINDY: Well...

Cindy thought it over.

CINDY: ...You should have said something earlier. Now clean Plan A up off the floor. This is a toy store. We don't want to frighten the children.

That was when she reminded herself that she needed to work on her evil laugh.

Plan C began to wish that he was Plan A.

The Big Reunion

2009-10-07T19:36:00.000-07:00

Larry and Charlie were still arguing in the ball pit when Agents Trad and Filson brought in Jono (soaking wet), Sara (soaking wet and cowering) and Janie (soaking wet and unconscious).

This might be a good time for a recap:

Larry, Charlie, Jono, Sara and Janie are the Night Chasers--a former team of some kind who are being reunited by the government of which Charlie is the head, or Big Man, because the Prophet has been killed.

Simple enough, right?

. . . . .

"Is anybody going to say anything?"
"Is there a reason we're sitting in a ball pit?"

Charlie decided he was going to have to fill them in.

"The Prophet was killed tonight."
"We're aware of that."
"Then you know what that means."
"Charlie, it's impossible."

Wait--this is getting confusing.

JANIE: Charlie, it's impossible.

That's better.

JANIE: There is no way we are going looking for the Prophet's replacement.
CHARLIE: First off, please address me as Big Man.
SARA: Oh you have got to be--
LARRY: There isn't a big part on you.
CHARLIE: Okay! Time out!
JONO: Time out? First he's Leader of the City, now he's a kindergarten teacher.

Agent Filson whistled.

FILSON: I would ask that you all stay on track.
SARA: I could break you in half.
JANIE: Assuming nobody turns on the sprinklers.
SARA: Go to hell, Janie. Oh wait, I forgot. You did. Poor departed Mike.
JANIE: If I could feel my hands, I would choke you.
CHARLIE: Can you girls please--
SARA: You have nothing to say--BIG MAN.

Sara slapped Charlie, then Charlie tried to restrain Sara, which led Larry to pull Charlie's hair, which led Jono to try and break it up, which led Janie to--

TRAD: KNOCK IT OFF!

They did--because you don't fuck with Agent Trad.

FILSON: Thank you. Does anyone know where this replacement Prophet is?

They all looked at each other.

JONO: The replacement has to be trained by the Prophet.
FILSON: But the Prophet's dead.
JANIE: That would be what we call--The Tough Part.
FILSON: But where IS the replacement?
LARRY: Nat would know, but again--
ALL: Dead.

There was an awkward silence.

TRAD: So what now?

Everybody looked at the Fearless Leader.

SARA: Well...Big Man?

Charlie thought about it.

CHARLIE: We're screwed.

Club Cocoon

2009-10-06T18:16:00.001-07:00

There was one member of the team unaccounted for--

"Do we need her?"
"We instructed to get all four of you."
"Including Big Man?"
"He's already accounted for."

Agents Filson and Trad were escorting Jono and Lanie to Club Cocoon--an assisted living facility on the west side of town.

"Sara's not going to like us barging into the club like this."
"We have instructions from Big Man."
"She's not going to like hearing about Big Man either."

They got to the front door of the home--sorry, the assisted living facility.

The Bouncer was a little old lady named Gladys.

"What do you punks want?"
"We're here to see Sara."
"You want to see my tits, too?"
"We'll pass, ma'am."
"You ain't gettin' in without Sara's say-so. This here is the best club in town."
"I believe Gmorrah had the same distinction."
"Please step aside, ma'am."
"Why should I?"
"Because I shot my own grandmother, and you look just like her."

This was when Gladys decided to take a cigarette break.

The inside of Club Cocoon was a sea of decadence and linoleum. Young men and women making out in the apartments of the elderly who either had their hearing aides turned off or were just glad for the company.

They found Sara on the top level--in what she liked to call the penthouse suite, even though it was only four floors up.

She was sitting on a chaise lounge covered in plastic. Two large men stood behind her wearing nothing but Spiderman underwear. A small dog sat at her feet.

"Well look what the asshole van dropped off."
"Nice to see you, too, Sara."
"Sorry I didn't make the wedding, Lanie. I had to slit my wrists instead."
"You weren't missed."
"Give my love to Mike."
"Mike's dead."
"Aww, what happened? Did his brain explode during a particularly difficult episode of Wheel of Fortune?"

Jono tried to grab Lanie, but she was too fast for him. One of Sara's two flunkies made a move for Lanie, but she broke his arm, and then his left leg. The second flunkie got kicked in the groin, and then thrown out the window. The dog sat where it was and observed all of this with only mild interest.

Sara took out her cane.

"I see you still know how to tango, Lanie."
"You should know, you taught me."

Lanie tried to disarm Sara, and for her bad move, she got a blow to the stomach, the side, and then the top of her head which rendered her unconscious.

"Any other takers?"

Agent Trad stepped forward.

"You're coming with us, Sara."
"And how exactly do you plan on making me?"

Agent Filson held a lighter up to a smoke detector over his head. The sprinklers kicked in, and water began to spray everywhere.

Sara screamed and crouched down on the chaise lounge--happy that the plastic would stop it from being ruined, but still in sheer terror.

Jono looked at Agent Filson.

"How did you know she was afraid of water?"

Agent Filson smiled.

"We know everything."

The Ball Pit

2009-10-05T15:10:00.000-07:00

They brought the Big Man to the safe zone.

"Do I really have to go in there?"
"It's the designated--"
"I know, but do I HAVE to go in there?"
"Yes, sir. You do."

Charles stepped into the ball pit.

It may seem strange--as many things do--but the ball pit at Lucky Larry's House of Fun is the safest place to be during a government code red.

The opportunity for complete camouflage coupled with the absurdity of hiding in a ball pit makes it absolutely fool-proof.

"I feel like an idiot."
"We understand, sir."
"Why aren't you hiding in here with me?"
"Our union prevents us from doing so."
"Gotcha."

Charles felt something next to his leg.

"Is there anything--"

That was when Lucky Larry's head popped up, and Charles screamed like a girl.

"You still scream like a girl, Chuck."
"Larry, what the hell are you doing--"
"It's my ball pit. What are you doing here?"
"It's a designated safe zone!"
"Nobody told me that."
"Agents?"
"We couldn't find him, sir."
"THAT'S BECAUSE HE WAS HIDING IN THE BALL PIT!"
"We see that now."
"Didn't you scan the ball pit before you had me hop in it?"
"Scanning it would require stepping in it and our union--"
"You've got to be kidding me."

Charles and Larry, two of the original Night Chasers, back together--in a sea of balls.

"Just like old times, huh Charles?"
"Larry, if you say one more word--"
"You used to love this ball pit."
"Things have changed."
"I heard. They got Nat."
"We don't know who got him, or do we, Agents?"
"That's why we're reassembling your team, sir. We need you to find out."
"Whooaa, Chuck. Nobody said anything to me about reassembling the team. I don't mind you sitting on my balls, but I'm never speaking to the rest of them again."

Charles took a deep breath. Part of him wanted to sink down into the pit, to the very bottom, and never come up.

"I don't think we have a choice, Larry."

Spill on Aisle Five

2009-10-04T23:07:00.000-07:00

"We gotta get pork chips."

This is Mike.

"We're out of pork chips."
"I heard you, Mike."

Mike works out three times a day.
Mike can rip a dictionary in half.
Mike once ate a live chipmunk on a dare.

"I have a coupon for the pork chips."

This is Mike's wife, Lanie.

"We need pickles too."
"I just bought pickles."
"I ate 'em."
"Jesus Christ."

One of these two is about to end up dead.

From behind the meat counter at The Night Mart, the supermarket chain used exclusively by the Nighters, two trained assassins jump up and begin firing at Mike and his wife, Lanie.

"Are those--"

Mike dies. Sorry for not keeping you in suspense.

They shoot him and he dies.

Lanie, to be honest, isn't all that upset.

"Oh shit."

She grabs a box of Wheat Thins, rips off the top of it, and frisbees it at the first assassin. It lodges itself into his throat and he falls to the ground.

The second assassin manages to shoot Lanie on the side of her arm. She rips off her other sleeve and wraps it around the wound while hiding behind a cardboard cut-out of Tony the Tiger.

From the front of the store, she hears screaming. She'll need to take out the second assassin before anyone else gets killed.

Tony the Tiger gets his head blown off--so much for no more casualties.

At the other end of the aisle, two government agents appear. Their names are Filson and Trad, and you met them in the last episode. They have someone with them.

"JONO?"

Jono, a member of the Night Chasers team, which Lanie was also on back in the day.

"The day" being ten years ago.

"Good to see you, Lanie."
"My husband was just killed by an assassin."
"What assassin?"

Lanie notices that the shooting has stopped. She stands up and looks at the meat counter. The assassin is gone, and so is the body of his colleague.

"Lanie?"

Jono and Lanie hated each other's guts.

"Good to see you, Jono."
"Sorry about Mike."
"He was an asshole."
"Yes, he was."
"But he was still my husband."
"You're right."
"That means I have to avenge his death."
"Yes, you do."
"Son-of-a-bitch."

Lanie was hoping it would be a quiet week.

"What do you all want?"
"The Prophet is dead, Lanie."
"Oh, I already know that."

Filson and Trad look at each other, then at Lanie.

"How do you know that?"
"Boys, you do realize it's the digital age, don't you?"

She holds up her blackberry.

FLASH--THE PROPHET IS FOUND DEAD AT INFAMOUS PANCAKE HOUSE.

"I suppose you boys want me to go with you?"
"That's right, ma'am."
"Can I at least get my diet soda first?"
"Go right ahead."

Lanie was going to have to buy a six pack.

Bad shit was going down.

Hobo Town

2009-10-03T20:19:00.000-07:00

They had to go to Hobo Town to get Jono.

It was on the edge of the city--smack dab in the middle of Brigg's Furniture Superstore.

It made perfect sense to the hobos to build a town in the middle of a furniture store. All those beds and nobody laying in them? What a waste.

The agents assigned to pick up Jono were warned. He wasn't called "The Bone Breaker" back in the day for nothing.

"Hi, I'm Agent Filson. This is Agent Trad."
"Those aren't real names."
"Of course they're not."
"What do you want? I'm getting ready to go to bed."
"But you're laying in a sink."
"I'm on the waiting list for the bed department."
"We're looking for Jono."
"That's a problem."
"Why?"
"He's in the bed department."
"And how do we get on the waiting list?"

They had to go through the kitchen department to get to bedding. That was the bad part of hobo town.

"Ever since the Latvians moved in--"
"That's enough, Trad. We're on business."

When they got to the bedding department, there was a message for them.

One bed had been ripped apart, and written in what looked like blood--but what was really hot sauce--was the following:

"You'll never take me alien."

Trad was confused.

"Alien?"
"Alive, Trad. He has bad penmanship."
"Eat it, pig."

Trad and Filson turned around to see Jono sitting on another bed, out of breath.

"Were you going to run?"
"I was, but then I got tired."
"That's pretty lame."
"Hey! Writing that message took a lot out of me."
"We have to take you in."
"Did that bastard Big Man finally decide to silence me forever."
"No, but the Prophet is dead."

Jono's eyes instantly glazed over.

"I should have kept running."

Live from the Asylum

2009-10-03T07:26:00.000-07:00

Charles is about to go on the air.

"Live in 5..."

It seems like he lives his life on camera these days.

"...4..."

Ten years ago, if you were elected Big Man, you didn't have to do this sort of thing.

"...3..."

Ten years ago, he would've assassinated the Big Man given the chance. That was back when he was an anarchist and life still made sense.

"...2..."

The asylum floors were sticky with something. He didn't really want to think too much about it.

"And we're LIVE here at Adam's Asylum, with our first guest--The Big Man. Charles Rhodes. Big Man, glad to have you!"

The host was a lunatic, Walter Andrews, who currently had the highest rated television program in the eleven o'clock hour in the 18-35 demographic.

Charles had done the numbers. The trick to life was--Do the numbers.

"So Big Man, how excited are you about Daylight Savings Time?"
"Very excited, Walter. We're going to have a great season coming up."

The last time Charles had appeared on Adam's Asylum, Walter had tried to cut his nose off with a letter opener somebody had left hanging around. But with ratings like his, you forgive and forget.

"Do you want to take this opportunity to dispel the myth that the Daytimers are catching on to us?"

Charles had his staff writer phrase this question perfectly. Still, he was shocked Walter had gotten it right. The last time they tried planting a question with him, it was about the ice cream scandal. But rather than ask about VanillaGate, Walter asked Charles if he had ever tasted his own blood.

So you take your chances.

"Walter, the Daytimers have absolutely no idea what goes on in this city after sunset. The limited interaction they have with us once the sun goes down--"
"I'm not talking about club hoppers and bar patrons, Big Man."

Well this was certainly a surprise. Walter's eyes seemed to light up with a coherent spark Charles hadn't seen in ages.

Even the cameraman looked surprised.

"What I'm talking about is an entire social and political system running parallel to what the Daytimers experience. Are they catching onto that?"

Charles smiled. Where the hell was Ivan to shut this down?

"Well yes, Charles. They are."

This was the problem with being Big Man. You couldn't lie.

"And is that a concern of yours?"
"Of course it's a concern. If they figure out what we're doing, most of us will be thrown in jail and the rest of us will be thrown in here with you, Walter."

That was when the lights went out.

Immediately the emergency lights came on, but Walter was already on top of Charles, trying to take a bite of out Charles' arm.

Two of the guards pulled him off, but he still managed to rip off a patch of Charles' sleeve.

"Son-of-a-bitch. I was supposed to wear this to the Leukemia Hoedown."

Charles felt a hand grab him, and pull him towards the back door.

"Ivan?"
"Sir, we need to get you to a conference room."
"Why? What's happened?"
"The phone rang, sir."
"The phone?"

Not possible. That phone never rang.

"The Prophet is dead, sir."

...Nat was dead?

"Have you called the others?"
"They're rounding them up now, sir."

Looks like the Night Chasers were about to be reunited.

As they moved out the back exit of the asylum, the sound of the inmates screaming became deafening.

Murder at the Pancake Palace

2009-10-01T19:24:00.000-07:00

The Prophet died at 9pm.

A disappointing hour to do anything--let alone die.

Let alone at The Pancake Palace.

"He's been poisoned."

The staff at the Pancake Palace were used to homicide. At least one person a night is murdered at the Pancake Palace. The pancakes are so good, people are willing to chance it.

But this was different.

This was the Prophet.

"You know what we need to do."

Alma was the Head Waitress. She was over eighty-nine years old, and she'd been working at the Pancake Palace since she was seventeen. The Prophet and her had a fling back in the 80's when she was in her 60's and he had a Harold and Maude thing going on. At the time of his death, he was forty years old.

"Sucks to be forty."
"Yup, it does."

The waitresses were going to leave him until morning when the daytime staff could freak out and call the police. That was until Alma shot them a look.

"Go get me the number in my locker."
"Who you callin', Alma?"
"Just get me the damn number."

Alma said she'd never use that number. But now Prophets were being poisoned. Now the rules had changed.

"Who you callin', Alma?"

She spit on a plate of half-eaten scrambled eggs.

"The Night Chasers."

That was the night Alma quit her job at the Pancake Palace.